


That Famous Swedish Massage

by Pseudthisyafucks (collettephinz)



Series: The Long Distance Problem [6]
Category: Holy Trinity (YouTube RPF), Youtube RPF
Genre: "sex" toys, Friendly banter, M/M, So yeah, discussion of how a guy could possibly use a hitachi wand, discussion of who tops, felix buys jack a vibrator, gay guy who doesn't know the gay stuff, i dunno this one's really goofy, it's an excuse to write banter between the four dudes, multiple video references, shit ton of italics, straight guys pondering gay things, straight guys who don't know the gay stuff, swedish massages, uh, wow these are interesting tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 07:13:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11076612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collettephinz/pseuds/Pseudthisyafucks
Summary: the tags kinda tell you everything but--Jack says something offhanded, Felix retaliates in the only way he knows how, and Jack accidentally lets his friends see his vibrator on the shelf.





	That Famous Swedish Massage

**Author's Note:**

> so jack lives in brighton now which means i've got about 2 of these left and then the series is done hip hip hooray

To tell the truth, Jack hadn’t thought many people would’ve be interested in the complete play-through of _Paradigm_ , and had really finished the game mostly for himself, camera be damned. He fucking loved the quirky little game, and he loved hearing the voices that were vaguely familiar and matching them with faces. He loved the huge spectrum of characters and even the (sometimes annoyingly) lengthy dialogue, and honestly? He loved being the sentient-water murderer most of all. He would one day destroy all non-biological sentience with the swift, cold hand of justice, and once again drink from a water cooler without having to second guess himself. 

See? The game was just fun and he loved things that were fun. He’d loved the world building and the deceptively detailed art style and the dumb jokes and the candy-bar vomiting sloth. But he hadn’t really expected many people to love it just as much as him and had really thought it would mostly fly under the radar, especially with the lengthy videos he recorded. 

That was really why he felt safe to draw comparisons and shit and just say random dumb stuff. He didn’t think anyone would hear what he said, especially the people he actually saw daily. Jack just said the first thing that came to mind for most of the play through, and he really, really, fucking really hadn’t thought that Felix would make such a big deal out of one fucking sentence (hadn’t thought Felix would watch this series at all considering Felix had played the game on his own time too).

 _“I’m just so offended that you’d think to go to Robin for your Swedish massage first,”_ Felix huffed, thumbs moving like crazy on the gamepad while they Skyped. _“At first, you totally got it right! You fucking thought about me, you saw the Swedish mustache and were all “I guess that’s how being Swedish works,” and yes, okay? That is totally how it works. Swedes grow amazing mustaches, people fucking complain, and then the Swedes shave it. But why the fuck would you think of Robin first for a massage? A fucking massage, Jack! I’m your boyfriend! I’ve massaged your dick with my fucking ass and then you think of Robin first!”_

And yeah, looking back, Jack can kinda see why Felix was giving him shit for it. If Felix had done something like that, had mentioned Ken or Mark or… Well, actually, Felix had openly and firmly stated he would love to give Mark that “hard dick,” and Jack had given him a ton of shit for that too, so yeah, Felix was justified. But Jack didn’t know what to do with all the fucking random shit that Felix sent him in retaliation. 

At first, the packages were innocent enough. Ten different massage oils that all had the colours of the Swedish flag, a tasteful callback to Felix’s rant. One of them had actually smelled really nice and had something called arnica in it. Jack looked it up and learned that it was for pain relief. He now used that oil almost nightly for his sore legs and was looking into buying a case for himself. 

Then there was this weird wooden rod that had rubber in the ends and grooves carved all around it. The thing was supposed to stretch out your calves, feet, and even your lower back if you were confident enough. Jack had tried it with just the soles of his feet once, and had then thrown it into the back of his closet a moment later, because no way in hell could something that hurt that much be any sort of good for him. Then there was this weird three-legged rubber thing that kneaded like some freaky robot. Jack couldn’t even touch the thing when he’d turned it on. 

Then Felix sent him this weird pillow that was meant for Jack’s neck that had little balls under the fabric. They went in circles and really did wonders for Jack’s neck, because his posture wasn’t all that great and he tended to hunch during more lengthy play-throughs. Jack had really appreciated the pillow massager, and up until this point, had just accepted the dumb packages without complaint. Felix was having his fun and it wasn’t like Jack was being punished in any way by having all of these new ways to relax after a long day. 

Until the fucking magic wand came in. 

“This is a sex toy,” Jack had told Felix firmly over the phone after opening the package and balking at what he’d found inside. _“Hitachi Wand with Shibari Ecstasy Attachment.”_ The described “ecstasy attachment” was clearly meant for someone with less dick than Jack, and more vagina. “You bought me a fucking sex toy, Felix.”

 _“What are you talking about?”_ Jack could hear the shit eating grin on Felix’s face. _“It’s a personal massager!”_

“I would fly over there to slap you if I had the time, Fe’, and you know it.”

_“Oh my gosh, sounds like someone hasn’t used his amazing personal massager yet.”_

Jack was smiling despite himself. “This is ridiculous, Felix. I will never, ever again think of Robin before ye’ in the context of massages, Swedish things, and anything remotely relatable to intimate touching. I swear on me life. Happy?”

_“Not as happy as you will be after relaxing with your personal massager. Did you see the ecstasy attachment?”_

“It’s meant for the clitoris, Felix. I’m lacking a few crucial parts for this thing to really be worth the money you spent on it.” He sighed and kicked the nondescript brown box the damned thing had arrived in. “Where can I return this to?”

_“Like hell you’re returning that.”_

“What the fuck, Fe’? I’ll never use it! It’s a waste of yer money!”

_“I’m not letting you return it.”_

Jack rolled his eyes. “Ye’ fuckin’ proved yer point ages ago!”

_“Obviously I haven’t, or you would be using the thing as we speak. I hear it’s great on your temples. Try your ass, too. I’m beginning to think you’ve got something permanently stuck up there.”_

Jack choked on a laugh. “I’m not gonna win this, am I?”

Felix chuckled. _“What would be the point if you did? No prize you could get from winning would ever be better than me.”_ There was some clatter, then Edgar started barking. _“Fuck, fucking Brad’s here. Seán, babe, I’ve gotta go. Why don’t you just give yourself some down time, really relax, break out that massager, and give yourself a good night, yeah? For whatever it does or whatever you use it for. I really don’t care, although if you do get a little more creative, please feel free to share with the class.”_ Edgar’s barking became more frantic and Jack heard Brad’s voice from somewhere in the house. _“I love you, Jack. I’ll talk to you later, yeah?”_

“Yeah,” Jack agreed with a sigh. “Don’t go getting massages from Brad just to get back at me.”

 _“He’s way too gentle,”_ Felix said offhandedly. _“Doesn’t throw me around like I want. I like a few bruises by the end of it, you know? Of course you know.”_ That shit-eating grin was audible again. _“You’d know better than anyone, wouldn’t you, daddy.”_

“Goodbye, Felix,” Jack said pointedly. “Love ye’.”

 _“I miss your dick!”_ Felix shouted right as Jack hung up with a fond smile. He knew Brad would give Felix enough shit for that line to no longer merit Jack’s giving of shit too. 

And that was kinda it. Jack never did end up returning that magic wand even weeks later, but he sure as hell never used it either. He was happy with his neck massager and arnica oil that smelled like citrus and pine. So what he had a few extra random nicknacks under foot? He’d clean out his closet soon enough. And if he picked up something, moved it around, left it out, what was the harm? It wasn’t like he had anything to hide.

Of course— and this was something he rarely forgot to consider— Jack was also an idiot. Because the fucking hitachi wand was something he really should hide and not just leave out in a random place after giving his flat a thorough cleaning. It wasn’t rare for him to forget to put things in the closest available space and then forget to put it back in the original home. It just wasn’t often that he had such, uh, _sensitive_ items to misplace at all. Really, it shouldn’t have been a problem at all. But Jack also shouldn’t have placed the hitachi wand on the shelf in his recording room and forgotten he’d put it there almost immediately after. Especially a few minutes before recording with Mark, Wade, and Bob.

“Are we fucking playing that submarine game again?” Jack asked after getting his desktop programs all situated. “We’re shite at that. And Mark’s already actin’ like a dick, ye’ know this is just gonna be awful.”

 _“What, what?”_ Mark sputtered, sounding so offended and playing it up. _“I am not being a dick! I am the furthest thing from being a dick, I’m so far from it that you would think I wasn’t a man at all!”_

“I just think that we’re better off playing a few rounds of the golf game,” Jack said, basically ignoring Mark’s comment to talk directly to Wade and Bob. “Least that way we’re playing against each other. It’s easier to get pissed off when we’re supposed to work together. If we’re being competitive, then the shouting seems a little less scary.”

 _“I’m starting to think everyone you’re around live in constant fear of your shouting,”_ Wade said. Bob was squinting at his monitor, presumably trying to make out something on his screen. He wondered what Bob was seeing.

_“Jack, is that a fucking vibrator on your shelf?”_

Oh shit.

That was what Bob was seeing. 

_“No,”_ Wade denied for Jack. _“I mean, why— no. No, it’s not. It’s not, right, Jack? You wouldn’t just, like… It’s not. It can’t be.”_

 _“Oh my god, it is,”_ Mark giggled, and really, this was the worst day for Mark to be the shithead he always was. _“Holy crap, is that… Did Felix send that to you? Or did you buy it? What the hell kind of kinky shit do you two get up to? How the hell do you use that? What the shit, Jack, how could you just leave it out?”_

Jack had no idea how to explain this one. “It, it isn’t actually,” except it was his and he had no excuse for why he had it, other than the stupidly convoluted true explanation that would just sound like a lie. But he didn’t have anything else. “Felix got it for me just to be a jerk, it really isn’t a thing with us.”

 _“Liar,”_ Bob accused dully. _“You totally use that. Jesus, I feel like a sinner just looking at it.”_

 _“My virgin eyes!”_ Mark wailed, and really, Jack was about to disconnect the guy.

“Literally all of ye’ have seen this shit in porn, so I don’t know why you’re throwing a fit over me having one,” Jack huffed. He had no idea how he was going to defend himself or get out of this. He just knew that he couldn’t let any of them bring this up in the video. As a much belated afterthought, Jack got out of his chair, grabbed the vibrator, and then stuffed it underneath his desk like it was dirty laundry. 

_“It’s different like this,”_ Bob said, his voice as dull as all hell. Just made Jack feel more embarrassed. _“It’s different knowing that my loud Irish friend is actually using one of those on himself while getting nasty with his long distance boyfriend on camera. This is beyond porn, Jack, this is, like, TMI to the max. I could’ve gone my whole life not knowing that you use that thing on yourself with Felix watching. Now I just can’t stop picturing it.”_

 _“Oh god, now I’m picturing it,”_ Wade bemoaned. 

_“How does a guy even use that?”_ Mark asked with a giggle. _“Like, like with girls, okay. I get the basic concept. But what the hell, do you just, like, shove it up your butt or something?”_

 _“No, no!”_ Bob laughed. _“I’ll bet he, like, ties it to his chest or something. Jack’s always talking about his sweet, salty nips, I knew he had a thing for it.”_ Jack’s face went horribly red, because while Bob was wrong about the method, he definitely wasn’t wrong about the nipple thing. _“Oh my god, I’ll bet it’s just the kinkiest thing for them. I’ll bet they roleplay, too, total D-and-D style.”_

 _“Jack’s, like, a level twenty-five wizard with how much he’s used that thing,”_ Mark said, going along with the joke, much to Jack’s humiliation. _“And Felix has, like, a hundred charisma points, cause all he can really do is talk.”_

 _“What quests would they go on?”_ Wade asked.

 _“Uh, obviously dungeon quests, Wade, duh,”_ Bob said. _“Classic shit, too, like saving a princess. Who would be the princess?”_

 _“Oh, Jack, definitely,”_ Mark said with too much confidence.

“Why the hell would I be the princess?” Jack demanded, making a face. “I’m the one who pegs Felix, not the other way around.”

All three of his friends gaped at him in utter disbelief. 

_“I don’t believe you,”_ Bob deadpanned. 

“Oh, fuck you, Bob.”

 _“No way do you top,”_ Mark said. _“I know you, Jack, you scream like a bitch all hours of the day, no way are you the one on top.”_

 _“Actually,”_ Wade cut in. _“If we’re going by someone screaming like a bitch to be the deciding factor of who tops, then Felix would definitely win.”_

 _“Jack doesn’t top!”_ Mark cried out. _“Look at his hips! And Felix is taller than him!”_

 _“Wow, Mark, way to get into those homosexual stereotypes,”_ Bob chided.

_“You’re thinking the exact same thing too, asshole, don’t patronize me!”_

_“Jack, do you really top?”_ Wade asked with this expression of morbid curiosity.

“What the fuck does it matter?!” Jack demanded, his hands waving about wildly in the air. “It’s me and Felix, that’s all! None of this should matter!”

 _“Except it totally does matter, because if you’ve been making the number one Youtuber in the world your bottom bitch, it is definitely something I need to know,”_ Bob explained. Hearing Bob phrase the whole mess like that actually warmed Jack up to this whole stupid conversation a little. _“Like, who cares who tops in relationships, right? Who gives a shit. Except when it turns out the tiny Irish kid has been fucking number-one-subbed Felix fucking Shell-bitch, AKA, fucking Pewdiepie. This is big news, Jack. This is primo information, and I’m a gossipy old biddy at heart.”_

Jack paused. “… I mean, maybe he does have a thing for when I give him bruises on his hips, yeah.”

 _“Oh my god, you make Felix your bitch,”_ Mark said. Jack grinned. 

_“This is a monumental discovery,”_ Bob said. _“You have become worthy of the highest honors, Jacksepticeye, and we shall—”_

 _“More like Jack Spedicey with Felix involved,”_ Wade snorted. 

_“Jack Spedicey, Jack Spedicey, yes,”_ Bob agreed while Jack groaned. _“Jack Spedicey, my good friend, comrade, and creative companion, you have earned yourself the right to at least half of Felix’s sub count by association alone.”_

“Isn’t that how I got most of my subs in the first place?” Jack asked dryly.

 _“Wow, if Felix heard you say that, you know he’d smack you over the head with that vibrator,”_ Mark snickered. _“Bad Jack! Self esteem check, Jack!”_

 _“Wait, why the hell do you have the vibrator if you top?”_ Wade asked. 

“Cause he’s a fuck and likes to mess with me,” Jack said. “He sent it as a joke after he heard something I said about Robin. He’s a jealous little thing, I gotta tell you. Needy as fuck. And a squirmy little bitch too.”

 _“How could we have not known Felix was on the bottom?”_ Mark asked. _“He was such a, a… What’s it called in the gay thing? The guy that is, like, super skinny and pretty and totally the one getting fucked. What’s that called?”_

“How the hell should I know?” Jack asked.

 _“A twink!”_ Wade exclaimed, looking happy with himself. 

_“Hold back on that pride there, Wade, how the hell do you know that better than the gay guy?”_ Bob demanded.

 _“I, I don’t know,”_ Wade replied, sounding like he genuinely had no idea how he’d known. 

_“Wait, does this mean that Felix has weird shit of his own?”_ Mark gasped in realization. _“Oh my god, what if that one vibrator was his!”_

“What vibrator?”

_“The, the pink one. He tied it to the toothbrush to make an electric toothbrush.”_

Jack made a face. “What the hell?”

_“It’s an old video, don’t look at me like that!”_

_“To tell you the truth, I’m just wondering whose dick is bigger,”_ Bob said. 

“What the hell.”

_“Sorry, Jack, I’m a man, and I need to feel comfortable about my size. Swedish people already have the unnatural beauty gene in there thanks to the selective breeding of Vikings, I don’t know if I could live in this world knowing that Felix’s is not only stupidly gorgeous, but also fucking hung.”_

_“Mark won’t shut up about girth in just about everything, so I’m sure you’re not the only one who’s curious,”_ Wade told Bob placatingly. 

_“Who’s bigger, Jack?”_

“Oh my god, what the hell,” Jack repeated. “I don’t know!” He did know. He wasn’t going to say. “We don’t fucking have rulers at the bedside table and compare every morning! That’s fucking ridiculous. It doesn’t matter to us, anyways, Felix is the one who begs to take it up the ass and that’s all that matters.”

Bob was smiling gleefully while Wade just looked horrified. _“I am so happy you phrased it like that.”_

Jack rolled his eyes, then frowned at Mark’s image. “Mark? What’re you doing?”

 _“Texting Felix,”_ Mark said innocently enough. Jack’s blood ran cold.

“Put the phone down, Mark,” he ordered.

 _“Too late!”_ Mark sang, but he dropped the phone anyways. _“What time is it there? Maybe he’s in bed. He might not even see the message until morning.”_

Jack’s phone began to ring, with a cute picture of Felix asleep under a mound of covers coming up as the contact photo. _“Oh no,”_ Mark said, sounding like he was anything but apologetic. And he was still smiling. _“You should probably answer that.”_

“You’re the worst friend I’ve ever had,” Jack said, just watching his phone rattle across the desk. 

_“Well, I’m hungry,”_ Bob cut in. _“Snack break! Jack, be back in ten minutes if Felix hasn’t killed you.”_ Bob went off screen, as did Wade and Mark a second after. Wade looked like he was excited to finally be out of that whole mess, but Mark still looked so fucking proud of himself. Jack needed to remember to get some sort of revenge next time he saw Mark.

Jack’s phone stopped vibrating, and he got a message for the missed call. A stark shot of relief went through him and he relaxed with a heavy sigh. Then his phone pinged with a text message.

_“felix begs 2 take it up the ass and thats all that matters”????? >:((((_

Jack wailed and let his head hit the desk in a moment of dramatic agony. Maybe Mark and Bob were done with railing on Jack for this whole shitfest, but Felix was never going to let him forget.

_answr me b4 i kick your ass <3_


End file.
